I Still Don't Like the Holidays...

...and never really have since I was a little girl. Although I was brought up in a family with Christian beliefs, they never really transferred to me. I just don't believe.

I went through the religious and confirmation processes as a courtesy for my family. I went through more religious training so that my ex-husband could get married in the Catholic church. I celebrated the holidays when my son was younger--just for him--and along the way if I happened to be involved in a relationship with someone else during the season as a sign of respect for them, which means I have also celebrated Hannukah.

But I've always felt like a hypocrite, so in the last ten years or so, I just stopped celebrating--except for some events at work with former coworkers, again out of respect. I still don't believe. I don't believe that people should go crazy to fit all the events and material things into a short period of time. I'm more of a give-a-gift-when-I-feel-like-it and sometimes for-no-reason-other-than-I-care kind of person. Sometimes the gift will be in the food family, sometimes it will be a handmade item, and sometimes it will be something that I saw in a store that would be just right for a person. Or at least, that used to be how I worked. Now I'm pretty cynical, and don't give so freely...

A couple of years ago, a friend started inviting me to her family holiday celebrations, and I often go see them, but not always. It depends on whether I'm feeling social or antisocial, if the weather is good or crappy, and sometimes for no good reason other than today I just don't want to...

I am, however, quite tired of answering questions why I don't spend more time with my family during the holidays. My siblings and I are not a tightly-knit group. My mother and I have always seemed to be from somewhat different planets. My father died in 1999, and visits "home" for me have been non-existent since then. My relationship with my son is what is definitely classified as "estranged", and that's all of the family that is truly important to me. So I have a dog who actually seems to enjoy my company and doesn't want me to be someone that I'm not or better than the person that I am. The unconditional love of dogs is probably what has kept me from falling into long-term inconsolable depressive states throughout the roughest times of my life. There is something undeniably therapeutic about unconditional love and needing to do something for another being that helps pull one back from a variety of dangerous brinks.

I really don't think I'm all that bad a person, but I'm basing that on comparisons to the other people I know and have been close to in relationships. I do the best I can and try to do better when I learn other approaches. I don't always succeed: I try to not let me feel like a failure, but sometimes these personal demons DO get to me. Especially when I'm feeling ill or overly tired. At least I don't fight against insomnia like I used to, so that even if I'm getting really down on myself, a good night's sleep helps put things back into perspective.